This is where fans' interesting e-mails and Ozzy's loquacious responses are posted. As soon as Ozzy has some fans, we're sure he'll get some e-mail to respond to. Be patient. Candy-asses!

ozzymcgurt@nocandyasses.com

Dear Ozzy

I grew up in Rock River, Wyoming and I never heard of you.  I guess I was never into wrestling and maybe that is why, I really do not have anything interesting to say but when I saw you were born in Rock River,  just wanted to ask Really, and who your family is.  We ran the local grocery store in the late 70's early 80's and my brother graduated from Rock River School in 1974, I do not remember a McGurt family. 

Bonnie

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Dear Bonnie,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I can understand your confusion and reservations about my history. I didn't so much grow up in Rock River as near Rock River. Since you grew up there, you probably know that road that  heads out of town and goes past the old Red Man Chewing Tobacco billboard? I think they tore it down and there's an old John Deere parked there now, but anyhow, you go out that road to where it dips and then turns a little bit, almost to where Buford Pickle wrecked his '39 Ford, and there's a road that cuts off to the right. You take that road and follow it out a piece until it dead ends at the dry gully. Go left about 200 yards and you'll come to an old wood bridge that doesn't look like it'd hold up to the weight of a horny toad, but trust me, it's perfectly safe. Cross that bridge and follow that track up until just before it starts to climb up onto that high, flat plateau, cut off to the south, and there's our little McGurt Ranch.

I must explain that the bio on nocandyasses.com was written by Shalla The Edgy Intern at The Ken Socrates World News Organization. Shalla, being the edgy person that she is, was never comfortable around me for some reason. Apparently I sweat too much for her liking. Anyhow, on that fateful day that Shalla and myself sat down face to face to hash out my bio it was obvious that she would have been happier locked in a steamer trunk with a polecat and two pissed off badgers than to be in the same room with me. Needless to say, her mind was not on her work. This produced a product less than favorable, with some misinformation, twisted truths, and quite possibly some downright lies. Ken, being the softhearted guy that he is, told Shalla that it was a wonderful piece of work and that it would be published on kensocrates.com with no further editing. Of course, being the candy-ass that he is, Ken told me that he would go over the bio and make sure that would meet the hard criteria that Ken holds to for any article published on his website. It is my opinion that he was truthful to both of us.

When it became apparent that I had outgrown my office at kensocrates.com and I decided to start my own website, I rationalized that it was stupid to waste time on writing a bio for myself (I hate writing about myself) and that I would just put up the bio that Shalla had written, promising myself that sometime soon I would do a rewrite that was a little clearer picture of who I am. I must admit that I have never actually read the entire bio, for I have found that I have an odd reaction to anything that Shalla writes, becoming nauseous and lightheaded after reading only a few sentences. Anyhow, time has passed and I've just never gotten around to rewriting that bio.

I'm sure the bio mentions that I left school only a month into my junior year on account of that accident with Jimmy's little brother Tyler and the hay baler. I hope to God Shalla got that part right. Tyler still talks with a stutter, and has an abnormal fear of twine, but at least he's alive. It sure messed my leg up though, and robbed me of those scholarships.

It's very interesting that you ran the grocery store. Unfortunately during the latter half of the '70s I was on the road wrestling, and the early part of the '80s I spent in a depressed, drunken stupor. Ships passing in the night, as they say.

I hope this clears up some of the confusion you may have. Feel free to email again anytime.

Ozzy McGurt

It's a candy-assed world. Suck it up!