Ozzy ‘The Gut’ McGurt was born in Rock River, Wyoming in 1955, the illegitimate son of a rancher’s daughter and a traveling salesman. Ozzy was a giant from birth, entering the world weighing 16 lbs 8 oz. His mass continued to compound exponentially until, as a senior in high school, he measured 6' 6", weighed 380 lbs, and had shattered every state high school record for wrestling, football, weight lifting, steer wrestling, hog tackling, sheep throwing, midget tossing, cow tipping, and beer guzzling. He also became the first high school football player on record to decapitate an opposing player. All of this was accomplished while maintaining a 3.85 grade point average. It seemed that Ozzy was destined for greatness. Alas, it was not to be.

     In what many refer to as a bad career move, after a long night of drinking High Plains Hooch (a disgusting home distilled spirit, made from prickly pear cactus, sage brush, and kerosene) Ozzy bet his drinking pals that he could stop a speeding semi tractor-trailer rig with his bare chest. Ozzy survived the stunt with no more lingering injury than a noticeable limp. That limp, however, was enough to make null and void the numerous football scholarship offers from Notre Dame, Stanford, Alabama, Colorado, Colorado State, Nebraska, Wyoming, Rutgers, Michigan, Michigan State, USC, UCLA, and nearly every other major and minor college in the United States.

     Depressed and forlorn, Ozzy left his mother and the family farm behind, drifting throughout the country, taking whatever odd jobs he could find. Some of his more memorable jobs from this period include a brothel bouncer in Las Vegas, a semen collector on a Clydesdale stud farm in St. Louis, a tampon squeezer at the Florida State University STD Research Laboratory, and as Ronald McDonald in Coeur d’Lane, Idaho, the only job he was ever fired from, for frightening the children.

     1974 found Ozzy in Los Angeles, working as a body guard for then phenomenally popular TV actress Adrienne Barbeau. While having lunch at ‘The Brown Derby’, Ozzy was spotted by Bruno Malcontent, manager for All-Star Wrestling’s hunky hero, Rod ‘The Bod’ Verstachenkovonovich. One look at Ozzy, and Malcontent knew he had found The Bod’s new nemesis. Ozzy jumped at the chance to make good money in the world he loved, the world of sports. His enthusiasm waned when he learned that Malcontent insisted Ozzy be referred to as ‘The Gut’. Money talks though, and Ozzy accepted the position.

     All-Star Wrestling slowly gained popularity through the years. Ozzy’s salary grew by leaps and bounds. He was still a smart man, and tucked the cash away for the future, knowing that every athlete’s career, no matter how fabricated, was short lived. Ozzy wanted this career to be as short lived as possible. It cut him to the quick to be the villain, always booed, always hated, always spat upon. He came to loath his alter-ego, The Gut. He always swore that as soon as he made enough money, he would return to his mother’s ranch in Wyoming.

     Ozzy’s career came to a screeching halt in 1980. On April 1, after an ASW performance in Phoenix, AZ, an ‘anonymous’ tip led police to arrest Bruno Malcontent, now the czar of All-Star Wrestling, for the murder of Malcontent’s lover and cocaine dealer, Vinnie Pistolero. It is rumored that as Malcontent was led from the arena in handcuffs, Ozzy was heard to mumble ‘April Fool’s, Bruno’. The ASW empire came crashing down, and Ozzy found himself out of work. Wise investments had turned a profit, however, and Ozzy was able to retire to the ranch in Wyoming as he had dreamed.

     Today he still lives there, with his mother and their Swedish maid Elsa. Ozzy fills his time by writing, raising champion alpacas, instructing Elsa on how to ‘properly dust’, and shooting large caliber weapons at the local wildlife, all of which he has taken to naming ‘Bruno’.